Is Our Marriage Really Over? Consider Discernment Counseling
In preparation for my planned three-day backpacking trip to summit Mount Langley, I went on my first backpacking trip with my friend Scott in February 2021 in Death Valley. My goal was simple: learn core backpacking skills from someone more experienced before attempting Mount Langley.
Getting to the trailhead is its own story. Instead, I want to highlight two key lessons I learned on that first trip:
Equalizing backpack weight
How quickly a journey moves when you are both on the same page
Lesson One: Share the Load
Because it was my first backpacking trip, I had no real sense of how much weight I could safely carry. Six years later, I know that 45 pounds is my absolute maximum, and somewhere between 25–35 pounds is my sweet spot for a four-day trip.
At the start of that first trip, Scott wisely weighed both of our packs. He kindly suggested mine was too heavy, and we redistributed the load. I don’t recall his final weight, but I carried about 26 pounds — which turned out to be more than enough for my first journey.
First lesson: Sharing the load based on experience and physical capacity makes for a more successful trip.
Lesson Two: Progress Happens Faster When You Share the Goal
Due to a planning hiccup (common in the backcountry), we needed to cover about 19 miles on our final day to reach the cars before sunset. That is a big ask for a beginner.
Scott easily could have run that distance with his pack. I could not.
But we started the day with a shared time goal. To help keep us on track, he hiked about 50–100 yards ahead of me to gently push the pace. I knew his goal was not to run me into the ground — it was to help us succeed as a team.
And we did.
Second lesson: When you share the same goal and vision, you move through the journey more successfully — and often faster — than you would alone.
What This Has to Do with Divorce
For most of my career as an Orange County family law attorney, I have worked primarily in litigation. It is rare to see spouses begin a divorce journey with a shared vision.
More often, I see competing interests and competing agendas — between the parties, the attorneys, and sometimes even the system itself. I have joked more than once that it can feel like carrying (or dragging) the other side up the mountain just to get the case finished.
That is exactly why discernment counseling can be so valuable.
Legal Note: Grounds for Divorce in California
To obtain a divorce in California, a party must allege legal grounds. (Family Code § 2310.)
The most common ground is irreconcilable differences — meaning one spouse believes the marriage has broken down permanently and nothing will restore it. No counseling. No trial separation. No passage of time.
In short, one person believes there is no path back.
What Is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a relatively new alternative that helps couples carefully evaluate their relationship before making a final decision about divorce.
It is:
short-term
structured
decision-focused
Importantly, it is not traditional couples therapy.
Often in discernment counseling:
one partner is “leaning out” of the marriage
the other is “leaning in” and hoping to preserve it
The goal is not to fix the marriage immediately. The goal is clarity — helping both partners decide whether to:
work on the marriage
separate
or move forward with divorce
When Might Discernment Counseling Be Helpful?
Only you can decide what is right for your situation. Setting cost considerations aside, discernment counseling may be particularly helpful when:
you are unsure whether to divorce
you have tried couples therapy without meaningful progress
you want a structured, safe space to evaluate the relationship
In my professional opinion, discernment counseling is not appropriate where there is domestic violence or an unsafe power dynamic.
Potential Benefits
When couples ultimately determine they are heading toward divorce, discernment counseling can create something extremely valuable:
👉 a shared understanding that the marriage is ending
Couples who reach this clarity often:
enter the divorce process more emotionally prepared
experience less unnecessary conflict
make more informed decisions
and are better positioned for mediation or collaborative divorce
Instead of prematurely entering the court system, they begin the legal process with greater alignment — which can make a meaningful difference in both cost and stress.
Orange County Discernment Counseling Resources
If you would like to learn more, it is best to speak directly with a qualified mental health professional trained in discernment counseling.
I was introduced to discernment counseling through:
Courtney Shen DeShetler, PsyD
Brian Whitley, LMFT — https://www.brianwhitley.com
Final Thoughts
Not every difficult season in a marriage means the journey is over. But sometimes it is.
The challenge is knowing the difference.
Just as I would not attempt a major summit without first assessing the conditions, couples benefit from thoughtfully evaluating whether their marriage can — or should — continue.
Discernment counseling offers a structured way to pause, assess, and decide with intention rather than urgency.
If you are standing at that crossroads, gathering good information now can make whatever path you choose more intentional, more informed, and ultimately more sustainable.
Author Note
This article was written by Allison Zieman and polished with the assistance of artificial intelligence for clarity and readability. All legal insights and opinions are those of the author.